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Monday, August 27th, 2007
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12:13 am - Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century is a change for you and me.
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I finally understand what it means to miss something before it's gone.
I leave for school tomorrow. And after tomorrow, my life will be permanently different. No more coming home for summer breaks. No more expecting to see my friends every break. No more stability when it comes to my HOME home.
My friends will start graduating, if they haven't already. Some of them won't be back for breaks. Some of them will only be back for a few days.
I know I'm being melodramatic, but this is just a feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I said goodbye to one of my best friends today, and it was the strangest feeling. Usually when she leaves, it's just a matter of hours before we are sitting in my family room the next day. This time, it's a matter of months. And it's the end of an era for us. Summer was our time. We will no longer have entire summers to goof off and take for granted our seemingly endless time.
Also, I went out to dinner today with my family. As we were sitting at dinner, my brother asked if he could go out with his friends after dinner, and my dad said no because it's my last day. And he got upset and said "It's not like we are going to do anything as a family anyway." And he was right. And I can't be upset, because I'm largely to blame. We've just never been a family that does things together. Besides argue. That's our one common thread. I think if I were to regret one thing in my life to date, it would be that I didn't take advantage of having such an incredible family. Despite all the arguments and differences in opinion, I love them both so much.
As I sit in my room for the last time for several months, listening to Damien Rice, I can't help but wonder: Why can't I merge my new life version of myself and my old life version of myself? I looked in the mirror today and really looked at myself. It is the last time that I will see this version of me in my mirror.
I did this because exactly one year ago, I didn't do it. And then when I came home for Thanksgiving break, I looked in the mirror, and didn't even recognize myself. I became so used to seeing the old me in my mirror that when I saw this new person, it just didn't seem right. It was like I was invading this sanctuary with my strange new life. And since then, I've learned that every time I go away, I change a little bit. So I'd at least like to really know myself before I go, so that I know how to compare when I return.
I might be overanalyzing this a little. I ought to go to bed, but of course there is no way I will fall asleep. I will leave myself with this thought: I love you.
I don't say that enough. To myself, to my family, to my friends. So I just want to say it now, before I go away. Because I know that in a matter of hours, I will be so emersed in stress and fast paced life that I won't think or say it again for another three months.
So, I love you.
Goodnight Home. You will be missed.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: Damien Rice
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| Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
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10:56 pm - 13 more days
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ugh.
it's time for me to come home. i hate what i've become. i hate everything about my present state of mind. i go in and out of phases where i am either really productive, or totally, incomprehensibly unproductive. finals are coming up. like...wednesday. i'm doing great in my acting classes. i am doing miserably in anything academic.
i can't concentrate on anything. i'm either playing in the park because it's nice, or i'm in my room contemplating all the things i've become.
when i come home, i don't think people will recognize me. except that's not even true. because i've perfected my falsified personality. i'm excellent at smiling and being happy. i'm excellent at making people like me. i've been told that by my teachers. and other actors. i'm just very good at charming people into almost feeling obligated to like me. its such a strength it's become a weakness.
i suddenly have a much better understanding of why people do things that i've always looked down on. the thing is, i still look down on it. i just do it, too.
i'm so unstable. i am a shell of myself. i'm hollow.
oh my god, i need to come home. i need to get myself together and recharge. so that i can do this again next year.
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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1:31 pm
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I hate Valentines Day. It's just a reminder of all the different ways I fail at life. It makes me die inside.
A little piece of me is dead.
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| Monday, November 6th, 2006
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1:50 am - Lost and Scared in New York City
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I am a disaster. I don't know what happened, but I have totally lost my mind.
Actually, I do know what happened...sort of. I know the trigger, but I don't fully understand the underlying reaction.
Anyway...I just need to go home. I need to be with people that I KNOW. People that I know care about me. People that I trust.
I've learned that I am weird with trust. I give everyone I meet a certain amount of trust when I first meet them. And then, they can either build up, or break down, the trust that I gave them. I'm beginning to see that I should make everyone work for my trust entirely. Otherwise I put too much undeserving trust into random people.
I scare myself.
It makes me sad.
current mood:  scared
current music: Wilco
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| Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
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1:26 am
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| Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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8:11 pm - Hello Strangers
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I'm writing this because I have a lot of homework to do. And it's 8:11. And I still haven't started it. So naturally, rather than writing my paper, or reading Aristotle, or one of the many plays I'm required to read, or creating my movement piece, I am writing my first entry since leaving St. Louis.
I realized something the other day. I realized that I've been very very busy here in New York City. I love it here, and I already consider it home. I have no problem saying 'I think I am going to go home' when I am leaving, say, Central Park. And when I am lost (as is often the case) and I finally find Washington Square Park, I have no hesitation in saying 'Finally. I'm home.' However, the busy schedule that I've maintained has successfully kept me from feeling anything. Sadness, Pain, Anger, and most of all, homesickness. I am always energetic or tired. Busy or relaxed. Happy or indifferent. But I'm always doing something. I'm always filling the empty spaces with something.
For the first time a few days ago I sat down in my room and realized something. I was alone. Which was sort of a big deal, because I hadn't been alone in my room for...ever? And I realized I didn't know what to do. So I started to think. And then I realized how much I missed home...my real home, not my new home. And my family. And my friends. And my house. And the movie theater, where you could get a ticket for under $10.00. And the mall, where, as much as I hated my job, I knew it by heart. Well..almost. But mostly, I just missed my family and friends. I miss sitting in my kitchen at the island, reading magazines, and not even noticing when Jill or Lexi let themselves in my house. I miss the way my dad wouldn't even care that they walked in while he was making dinner, he would just ask them if they were joining us, and how much food did they want. I miss the way my brother walked around the house wrapped up in a blanket as though it were a cape. I miss the food...not that it was amazing, but it was better than dorm food for the most part.
I miss having time to remember who I am. And what I'm doing. And seeing clearly. I've always been one to get so absorbed in things that I lose sight of the big picture. I drown. And I can feel myself drowning in New York City. And all my teachers warn us of this, because it's very common among newcomers to the city. It's a big place, filled with lots of energy and noise and people and 'vibrations'. And I've been shrugging them off until now, saying that I adapt well to new things, that I'm made to be a city person, and that I can handle it. And I can handle it. I'm just getting swallowed up right now. But I'm handling it. I promise.
On a brighter note, my classes are fantastic. My studio teachers are brilliant, if not entirely insane. Several of them studied with Stella Adler herself. They are geniouses. I am learning so much from them, but at the same time, I am realizing just HOW little I know. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the class, but I think everyone feels like that. So I suppose that means I'm right where I should be. Which is good, in a twisted sort of way.
I adore my roommate Caitlin, she is fantastic. She is just like me, only wittier, more sarcastic, artistically talented, and she does FANTASTICALLY HILARIOUS impressions of people. All the time. I love her.
Same with my suitemate Tina. She is so crazy and adorable and gorgeous and talented. And she cares so much about Caitlin and me. It's refreshing.
And Erica is very nice and sweet and smart.
I lucked out. A lot.
Well, this entry is long enough, so I'll leave you here. Have a wonderful night...and look at the stars. And just think how lucky you are because you can see them. Because no matter how late at night it is, no matter how 'dark' the city is, I have yet to see more than 2 stars...and they are questionable. They could have been airplanes.
Enjoy!
current mood:  tired
current music: Regina Spektor
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| Saturday, August 26th, 2006
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12:27 am - Truth.Beauty.Freedom.Love
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Wow. It has been quite a journey these past 6 years. Particularly the past 4. I have learned so much about myself and life in general throughout my 4 years in high school, and I am so grateful for every one I met and befriended. I would never want to forget a single moment spent here, no matter how bad things got. I learned so many lessons from the idiotic moments, the poor decisions made, and the destructive people, as well as from the successes I had, the incredible, inspiring people I encountered along the way, and the moments that just made me feel complete. To forget any of it would be tragic. And so, I appreciate every minute of it.
It is such a bizarre feeling, sitting here, knowing that in a few short hours my life here will be no more. I will be a resident of New York City. An adult. Independent. On my own. It's a little scary, to be honest. As I've watched my friends go, one by one, onto their new lives, I've realized something. We are all in this together. I know that if any one of my friends needed help, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. And I know they would do the same for me. And that curbs my fear slightly. I have also witnessed their breakdowns prior to leaving (as well as having quite a few of my own). What will happen to me? How many of these people will I see again? Will I do anything stupid? Will I get hurt? Will I fail? Will I be able to stand on my own two feet. Will I fit in. Will I get along with my roommates. Will I ever come back. And my answer to these questions is yes. Yes to all of them. Yes you will get hurt. Yes you will fail. Yes you will see some of these people again. Yes you will do stupid things. Yes you will fit in. Yes you will come back some day. Yes you will succeed. You will. You can. I trust you.
How do I know this? I have no idea. I'm just as green as everyone else. I've never been to college. I've never left home for an extended period of time. I've never been independent. And I don't have any idea what will happen to me. However, I know that ALL of my friends are capable, competent, sociable, and perfect in their flaws. And thus, they will achieve great and wondrous things. And they will do anything they want. And they will go very far.
It saddens me to leave everyone behind. It saddens me to know that new jokes will be made with new friends in new cities under new circumstances. I want to be there for all of that. And I want everyone to be there for my new jokes. I hate the idea of leaving behind this life that I complained about for 6 years with my friends. I want to bring them with me, so I can complain about my new life with them. Not to them. I hate that. I hate how everything will switch from 'with' to 'to'. I want to talk 'with' my friends, go out 'with' my friends, and complain 'with' my friends. But they will no longer be with me. They will be starting over somewhere else, having the same problem. And thus, if I complain, they won't relate, if we talk, they won't be right there, if I go out, they won't be joining me. And thus, it all becomes 'to'.
This is probably the most depressing entry I have ever written. And I'll be honest, I started writing it three weeks ago. Because I knew I would have to edit it, fix it, reread it, and add new discoveries to it. Because it seems like this past summer I have had several epiphanies. In fact, it seems like since college has become a serious reality, I have been having more and more realizations. Every day feels like I learn a lesson at the end, or reach some conclusion. It's exhausting to learn so much ;)
I guess I should wrap this up. The main point of this entry is to say 'Thank you'. Thank you to my friends who stuck by my side through even the most emotionally wearing times. Thank you to my friends who made me laugh, even when I was upset. Thank you to my friends who let me be there for you, and make you laugh even when you were upset. Thank you to my friends who made me question everything about me and thus grow into a more recent version of myself. Thank you to my friends who accepted me without question, pointing out my flaws, and embracing me for them, rather than asking me to change. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the tears. Thank you for the anger. Thank you for the peace of mind. Thank you for the moments where I thought I couldn't go on because life was just too hard, but I did. Thank you for the moments where I didn't want to go on, because everything right then was so 'right'.
Thank you, you know who you are. You are incredible, will always be incredible, and always have been incredible.
Thank You.
I love each and every one of you.
Good night St. Louis. It's been a great ride.
Truth.Beauty.Freedom.Love
current mood:  melancholy
current music: the sound my house makes
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| Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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12:36 am
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Sometimes I stress myself out to the point where I can't even breathe. I just hyperventilate and can't deal with real life. I get so caught up in details or people or things. ONE person, ONE comment, ONE happening shouldn't be able to put me into such a frenzy. And it doesn't, normally.
But for whatever reason, it has this time. And I'm obsessing over it.
Curse my obsessive compulsive nature.
current mood:  stressed
current music: The Starting Line
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| Monday, August 14th, 2006
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9:01 pm - cancer, cancer, in my blood....
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I admit, the title is a bit over dramatic...(worry not, I don't have it...at least not yet...)
I hate cancer. I swear, it is ruining my life (as well as everyone else's).
Now I not only have to worry about dying from cancer, as it runs in my family, but I also have to go get a series of three shots to prevent specific strands of it.
fuck me.
cancer can kiss my ass.
except, please don't. i'd rather it stay as far away from me as possible...
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Tube Sock Renegades
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| Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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11:39 am - Why why why why
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I love my friends. I love spending time with people I haven't seen in forever. Everything here is so stable, and I'm sure that if I weren't so ready to leave, that would be wonderful. It makes for a great environment to return to. However, I need to go. I'm just ready.
At the same time, I've been talking to people at school, and they are all soooo motivated and ambitious. Some of them have started their own theater companies. One is a race car driver. One is a song writer, and wrote songs for Joss Stone. I just feel so....insufficient. Why am I going to school with these people who have accomplished so much before they even graduated high school? I am hardly worth it.
And then, its really tough to be in straight theater. The studio I am in seems to be the studio where musical theater students who didn't make CAP21 went. Almost all of them have been singing and dancing for YEARS. And then the ones who haven't been are serious Shakespeare actors. And I'm neither. So where do I fit in? Is it true that they are trying to fill a spot? Am I just there to fill a character role, in case that part were to show up?
I know that these are just nervous, before I leave forever thoughts, but they seem legitimate. Even when I get there, I'm going to be worried about these things.
Anyway, sorry about all these neurotic postings. I'm sure it will be different once everything starts to fall in place.
current mood: intimidated
current music: Regina Spektor
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| Sunday, June 25th, 2006
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9:41 pm - Exhaustion
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i am slowly but surely breaking myself down. I am so tired that I can't even make myself get up for work. When I finally do get up, my eyes are bloodshot and swollen. I'm dizzy, my head hurts, and I can't eat without getting sick. I am malnourished and sleep deprived. I am running myself into the ground, and you know what? I'm loving every minute of it. Even though I'm absolutely exhausted, and I dread going to work purely because I think it's cutting into my sleep time, when I get off work, I grab a coffee and head off for the night, only to get home around 2 or 3 in the morning, and be at work by 10. The funny thing is, if you look at me I look normal. And being the person I am, I figure as long as I look alright, I'm going to keep going. See how far I can push myself. Maybe I'll land myself in a hospital. Maybe not. We'll see...
This is what my life is like in summer...I'm so stoked for school in the fall. My eyes are blurring as I type this. I can't even see the screen, I'm so delusional. I can't imagine how sleep deprived I'm going to be when I'm at NYU.
Speaking of NYU...the dorm I'm (hopefully) most likely to stay at is the number 1 party dorm on campus. It's where the Olsen's partied their freshman year. It's known for rampant drug use, kids doing lines in the bathrooms, "NYU entrepreneurs" (aka drug dealers), and just hardcore partying 24/7. At Hayden Hall (the dorm I'm speaking about) many of the students are "students on the side" and partiers the rest of the week.
See ya in rehab.
current mood: sleepy
current music: Franz Ferdinand
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| Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
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12:19 am - Parallel Universe
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Everyone has pivotal moments in their life. Defining moments, moments that significantly alter who they are, shaping the path their lives will take. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if those moments had turned out differently in the end. I would be a completely different person, perhaps better, perhaps worse. It's a strange thought, and quite honestly I hate it. Thinking about these things never gets anything accomplished, it just completely screws with your mind. I think about it on occasion, but I've managed to push the thought away for a long time. But the other day in my car I had a conversation with Kate and John, and I realized that everyone has these moments, these thoughts, and this sort of parallel universe that they wonder about. It's just scary to consider how different I would be. I would lose so many of my defining qualities, but in return I would gain so much that I've missed out on. It's hard to decide whether things turned out for the best.
current mood:  sick
current music: Ben Harper
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| Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
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9:32 pm
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But there is no sunken treasure
Rumored to be...
...I am so out of tune.
I hate how impressionable I am.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Wilco--Sunken treasure
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| Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
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5:56 pm - reflecting on a lifetime
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umm...what happened? it feels like yesterday i was a freshman, and people were, ahem, making bets on asking me on dates...
everything was new and exciting, and it felt like i had an eternity to spend with these people.
last night, as i stood on stage, looking out at the crowd of 3500 people, all who cheered together, clapped together, and laughed together; all of who worked together over the past 4, 6, 8, 12 years, all of who were graduating together...it was then that i realized that everything comes to an end. and i'm not ready. I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO GRADUATE!
As i presented my speech, I looked out at the floods of people, my friends, family, people who i've seen, and people who i didn't even know were in my graduating class, i wondered how i could possibly be graduating? How, when i don't even know the people i'm talking to. It was absolutely mind boggling.
Moving on to Senior Farewell, everything was cheerful and refreshing. I talked to people that I have never talked to before, I played craps and poker with people that i never in a million years would have thought i'd speak to. It was a wonderful feeling. In fact, my only complaint about the whole night was the ending. I wanted that last look, the final goodbye. Instead, they shuffled us out in groups of 25 in the dark, while the senior dvd played. I never got that final look around, which to me, was upsetting.
However, this summer is going to be amazing. We are all going to appreciate each other so much more, knowing that it's the last time for a long time. It's already begun, and it's beautiful so far.
current mood:  indescribable
current music: you raise me up
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| Thursday, May 11th, 2006
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4:45 pm
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| Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
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4:55 pm - You Raise Me Up...
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Soooo...
I think we really are moving this time. My dad has a ton of realitor information and he is already looking at houses. At least we will still be in St. Louis...but it sort of sucks that I'm going to be a lot farther away from my friends for when I come back from school than I am right now. Most of the houses he's looking at are in the Ladue area/off Lindbergh...not too far, but far enough to be a pain in the ass.
I have "You Raise Me Up" stuck in my head. I can't believe we are actually graduating. I've been looking forward to this for SO long...and now I'm seriously intimidated. Up until now I've been on a very set structure of school from ~8 am to ~3 pm. Everything has been given to me in neat little handouts or in a form that I can easily take notes. I see my friends everyday, and everything has been (for the most part) really enjoyable. I am so afraid of leaving behind my friends and life here. It just hit home today during 2nd hour (in a conversation with Loren). I don't want to leave. Nothing is going to be the same.
I like the way things are.
current mood: nervous
current music: Josh Groban
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| Sunday, April 30th, 2006
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4:46 pm - FINALLY
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I am happy. Really happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy before...like, things are just really good. Abstract, but good.
I can tell right now that it's going to be a very good summer.
current mood:  giddy
current music: Wilco
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| Saturday, April 29th, 2006
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12:06 am - Unknown territory
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I would first like to say that I am not at all sad or anything. In fact, I am the exact opposite. Life has been going wonderfully (aside from my tremendous lack of sleep and the fact that my lead actress couldn't be here on opening night--which was fixed, thankfully). It's just that I got into a random discussion today, and it led to some unfortunate thinking.
Sometimes I talk myself out of doing things because I don't know how they will turn out. Or because I think that I care more about them then another person. Or because I'm afraid I care too much. Or not enough. Or I'm afraid that they are too good. Or that they will turn out poorly.
I've realized that my fear of things turning out badly isn't nearly as strong as my fear of things working out well. If things turn out badly you can always predict where you will end up. If they turn out well, you have no idea what is going to happen. You just dig yourself deeper and deeper into a whole, and when it's time to get out of it, you can't find your way.
I realized all of this while at Steak'n'Shake with Kyle tonight. After the dinner theater. Which turned out beautifully.
Thank you Chelsea. You are my hero.
much.love.ciao.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Ben Folds
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| Monday, February 27th, 2006
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11:41 pm - quick update
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quick update--
sunday- best date i've ever been on. i went snowboarding. it was way cool.
then i ended up in the er bc i flipped and landed on my wrist. funny story-my dad was out of town at the time so i tried to drive myself there, but i couldnt turn the keys in the ignition bc i couldnt move my fingers. i ended up waiting for a ride, at which point my hand was completely swollen, purple, and there was no blood in it so you could see my veins and it was ice cold. it isnt broken though, thats a plus.
well its taken me about 10 minutes to write this, so im just going to end it with this: it was def. the best date ever DESPITE the wrist thing.
and i am awesome at snowboarding.
current mood: hurting
current music: Avenue Q
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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11:13 pm - eclectic thoughts
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So basically, senioritis has gotten to the point where it physically hurts me to get up in the morning. Like, I contemplate calling in sick on a regular basis. AND, the work load sucks majorly, because (obviously) teachers don't really go easy on you just because you don't want to be in their class. On a brighter note, I have discovered a new and wondrous phenomenon--CASUAL DATING.
Guys don't usually understand it. They think it sounds lame and dumb. "I enjoy your company, but I'm not going to pay for it." However, I have found a handful of really awesome people who are willing to take me (and taylor) out on separate casual dates (mine are undoubtedly better) :)
This weekend is going to be booked...I have a date on Friday- dinner and movies, and a date on saturday--snowboarding. Then I am going (maybe) to a friend's house because his family's out of town.
I am SO excited.
I hate school.
I love my name. I used to hate it. But whenever I see it written out I like it. So I decided it's a good name. Here's why: when you abbreviate it - Steph - it sounds friend-ish. When you say the full name - Stephanie -it sounds pretty. When you say "stephonia", "stephy", or "step-on-me" I get reminded of some of my favorite people. Basically, my name suits me well.
I hate school.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: Daughters- john mayer
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